Spellslinger

Dougmorphy

<Unrivaled>

(US) Illidan

Dwarf Frost Mage

Spellslinger

SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it!

MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

MEN No!

SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.

SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.)

THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs.

GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

HEAD GUARD Next!

GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)

HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

GUARD Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY Oh!

HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.

HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD Well?

OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly!

HEAD GUARD He can talk!

DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him!

GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre!

SHREK Aye?

HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.

SHREK Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

SHREK Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly.

DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

SHREK Why are you following me?

DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith...

SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall?

SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

DONKEY Nope.

SHREK Really?

DONKEY Really, really.

SHREK Oh.

DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?

SHREK That would be my home.

DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK I like my privacy.

DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

SHREK Uh, what?

DONKEY Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK (sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY Really?

SHREK No.

DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)

SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK Oh!

DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK (irritated) Outside!

DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside.

DONKEY (from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear)

SHREK Ow!

GORDO Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO How did you know?

SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

SHREK Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him.

BIG BAD WOLF What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.

SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.)

Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent.

SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey)

DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK What?

PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here.

SHREK (flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.

SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY Me! Me!

SHREK Anyone?

DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again.

SHREK What did I say about singing?

DONKEY Can I whistle?

SHREK No.

DONKEY Can I hum it?

SHREK All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk.

The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster.

FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)

FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)

GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them?

GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

FARQUAAD The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man.

FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man!

FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD Go on.

MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

FARQUAAD Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD I'll do it.

MIRROR Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.

SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.)

DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just

• • I just - - (He sighs and then begins

walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

DONKEY Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again)

SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor -

• no, no - - the privilege to go forth

and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!

SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him!

MEN Get him!

SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer)

CROWD Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

CROWD Kill the beast!

SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him.

WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek.

HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK What?

FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD Your swamp?

SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

SHREK And the squatters?

FARQUAAD As good as gone.

SHREK What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY Example?

SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK Yes - - No!

DONKEY They make you cry?

SHREK No!

DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming.

DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.

DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.

They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding.

SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan)

DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?

SHREK Oh, aye.

DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

DONKEY You know what I mean.

SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!

SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

DONKEY Really?

SHREK Really, really.

DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down.

DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

SHREK But you're already halfway.

DONKEY But I know that half is safe!

SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)

DONKEY Don't do that!

SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)

DONKEY Yes, that!

SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)

DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!

SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)

DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)

DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY You afraid?

SHREK No.

DONKEY But...

SHREK Shh.

DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there?

SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off)

DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.

DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...

DONKEY (os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire.

SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor.

DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're

• • You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!

I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away.

FIONA Oh! Oh!

SHREK Wake up!

FIONA What?

SHREK Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway.

FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

SHREK I don't think so.

FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion?

SHREK Uh, Shrek.

FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

SHREK Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?

SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.)

FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.

SHREK Well, I have to save my ass.

FIONA What kind of knight are you?

SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room)

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